Laughter is the best medicine. But you know what comes close? A good drink with friends! Here, I’ve gathered 125 funny drinking quotes.
These will make you chuckle. They’re perfect for sharing at parties or just when you need a laugh.
These funny alcohol quotes cover it all. From wild nights out to mornings after, they hit the spot. Just like your favorite drink!
Some say alcohol can mend a broken heart. We’re not sure about that, but these quotes might help you smile through tough times. Whether you’re a social drinker or just enjoy a good laugh, there’s something here for you. These witty words come from comedians, writers, and regular folks who’ve had one too many.
So grab a drink (responsibly, of course) and get ready to laugh. These quotes are sure to lift your spirits!
125 Funny Drinking Quotes
- “Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.” – Steve Martin
- He was a wise man who invented beer.” – Plato
- “Why do I drink Champagne for breakfast? Doesn’t everyone?” – Noel Coward
- “I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.” – Joe E. Ellis
- “If girls always treated each other like we do when we’re drunk in the girl’s bathroom, the world would be a happier place.” – Anonymous
- “The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.” – Humphrey Bogart
- “In beer there is freedom, in wine there is health, in cognac there is power, and in water there is bacteria.” – Anonymous
- “There comes a time in every woman’s life when the only thing that helps is a glass of Champagne.” – Bette Davis
- “Work is the curse of the drinking classes.” – Oscar Wilde
- “Either give me more wine or leave me alone.” – Rumi
- “If God had intended us to drink beer, he would have given us stomachs.” – David Daye
- “Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient Champagne.” – Dorothy Parker
- “When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” – Henny Youngman
- “Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” – Ernest Hemingway
- “Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.” – Conan O’Brien
- “Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.” – Dave Barry
- “I only drink Champagne on two occasions, when I am in love and when I am not.” – Coco Chanel
- “I wish to live to 150 years old, but the day I die, I wish it to be with a cigarette in one hand and a glass of whiskey in the other.” – Ava Gardner
- “Can’t we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don’t they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?” – Jerry Seinfeld
- “Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy.” – Frank Sinatra
- “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? You know there’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
- “Too much of anything is bad, but too much Champagne is just right.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald
- “Love makes the world go round? Not at all. Whiskey makes it go round twice as fast.” – Compton Mackenzie
- “I drink to make other people more interesting.” – Ernest Hemingway
- “I exercise self-control and never touch a beverage stronger than gin before breakfast.” – W.C. Fields
- “You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.” – Dean Martin
- “A bottle of wine contains more philosophy than all the books in the world.” – Louis Pasteur
- “Sure I eat what I advertise. Sure I eat Wheaties for breakfast. A good bowl of Wheaties with bourbon can’t be beat.” – Dizzy Dean
- “I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.” – Rodney Dangerfield
- “The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.” – Phyllis Diller
- “I work until beer o’clock.” – Stephen King
- “Trust me: You can dance — Alcohol.” – Unknown
- “Responsible Drinking? Now that’s an oxymoron.” – Aaron Howard
- “If life gives you lemons, Add VODKA.” – Unknown
- “24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?” – Stephen Wright
- “I followed my heart & It led me to ALCOHOL.” – Unknown
- “A man’s true character comes out when he’s drunk.” – Charlie Chaplin
- “Step Aside COFFEE This is a Job for ALCOHOL” – Unknown
- “Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness.” – Seneca
- “Not to get technical, But according to chemistry ALCOHOL is a solution.” – Unknown
- “I’ve never been drunk, but often I’ve been over served.” – George Gobel
- “Always buy a bigger bottle than you think You’ll need. Better to be safe than sober.” – Unknown
- “People are not addicted to Alcohol or drugs, They are addicted to escaping reality.” – Unknown
- “Drink because you are happy, but never because you are miserable.” – G.K. Chesterton
- “Alcohol does not make you fat, it makes you lean: against tables, chairs, walls, floors and ugly people.” – Unknown
- “The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk, they’re sober.” – William Butler Yeats
- “Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.” – Unknown
- “First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.” – Unknown
- “Of course size matters. No one wants a small glass of wine.” – Unknown
- “Nothing lasts forever so live it up, drink it down, laugh it off.” – Unknown
- I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.” – W.C Fields
- “Here’s to alcohol, the rose colored glasses of life.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald
- I drink wine because my doctor said I shouldn’t keep things bottled up.” – Unknown
- “Men are like wine – some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.” – Pope John XXIII
- “I drink alcohol to drown my problems, unfortunately my problems are damn good swimmers.” – Unknown
- “This is one of the disadvantages of wine: it makes a man mistake words for thought.” – Samuel Johnson
- “Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.” – Joan Collins
- “I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.” – Unknown
- “If I ever go missing, I want my picture on a wine bottle instead of a milk carton, this way my friends will know I am missing.” – Unknown
- “The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well.” – Unknown
- “War and drink are the two things man is never too poor to buy.” – William Faulkner
- “Drink today, and drown all sorrow; you shall perhaps not do tomorrow.” – John Fletcher
- “Whiskey is by far the most popular of all remedies that won’t cure a cold.” – Jerry Vale
- “I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.” – Winston Churchill
- “A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.” – W.C. Fields
- “Drinking after work is fine, but if you really want to enjoy working then drink before work.” – Unknown
- “I only take a drink on two occasions – when I’m thirsty and when I’m not.” – Brendan Behan
- “Man, being reasonable, must get drunk; the best of life is but intoxication.” – Lord Byron
- “I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.” – George Best
- “An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.” – Ernest Hemingway
- “I started thinking about the dangers of drinking on new year’s eve. After that, I decided to stop thinking.” – Unknown
- “The ideal man doesn’t smoke, doesn’t drink, doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t swear, doesn’t get angry, doesn’t exist.” – Unknown
- “A man is a fool is he drinks before he reaches the age of 50, and a fool if he doesn’t afterward.” – Frank Lloyd Wright
- “I went on a diet, stopped smoking dope, cut out the drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.” – Unknown
- “It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.” – George F. Burns
- “Don’t cry over spilled milk…it could have been beer!” – Unknown
- “Let’s have a beer together, you can open it and I will drink it.” – Unknown
- “Beer doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you need to drink lots of it.” – Unknown
- “Act single, see double, drink triple.” – Unknown
- “You look like I need another drink.” – Unknown
- “Nothing in life is absolute — only vodka.” – Unknown
- “Because alcohol tastes better than tears.” – Unknown
- “A party without alcohol is just a meeting.” – Unknown
- “Save the earth, it’s the only planet with beer.” – Unknown
- “I said no to alcohol, but it just doesn’t listen.” – Unknown
- “I drink because I work, I work so I can drink.” – Unknown
- “Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver.” – Unknown
- “To me ‘Drink responsibly’ means don’t spill it.” – Unknown
- “Friday is the beginning of my liver’s work week.” – Unknown
- “I’m on a whiskey diet… I’ve lost three days already!” – Unknown
- “He that drinks fast, pays slow.” – Benjamin Franklin
- “They say follow your heart and it led me to alcohol.” – Unknown
- “Beer is now cheaper than gas, do drink, don’t drive!” – Unknown
- “Good people drink good beer.” – Hunter S. Thompson
- “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.” – Ogden Nash
- “I don’t have a drinking problem, I have thirst problem.” – Unknown
- “I am a drinker with writing problems.” – Brendan Behan
- “You can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the morning.” – Unknown
- “Don’t drink to forget me, you’ll end up seeing me double.” – Unknown
- “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” – Unknown
- “Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.” – Kinky Friedman
- “Money can’t buy you happiness but it can buy you alcohol.” – Unknown
- “We drink and we die and continue to drink.” – Dennis Leary
- “May you always have love in your heart and beer in your belly.” – Unknown
- “My boss didn’t know I drank, till one day I came to work sober.” – Unknown
- “Alcohol is the cause and the solution to many of life’s problems.” – Unknown
- “Alcohol helps me listen to your bullshit and pretend to believe it.” – Unknown
- “A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.” – Steve Fergosi
- “There are more old drunkards than old physicians.” – Bernard Shaw
- “Not to brag but I don’t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.” – Unknown
- “If smokers can have smoking breaks, why can’t I have drinking breaks.” – Unknown
- “Alcohol is a perfect solvent, it dissolves marriages, families and careers.” – Unknown
- “Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.” – Unknown
- “Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.” – Henry Lawson
- “Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.” – Kaiser Wilhelm
- “No soldier can fight unless he is properly fed on beef and beer.” – John Churchill
- “How do you know a man is thinking about his future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.” – Unknown
- I’m not a wine expert, but I’m pretty grape at drinking it!” – Unknown
- “I’m not a gin-ius, but I know my way around a good cocktail.” – Unknown
- “I’m a real ale-chemist when it comes to mixing drinks.” – Unknown
- “I’m not a whiskey business, I just love a good dram.” – Unknown
- “Some days you’re the glass half empty, some days you’re the glass half full – either way, we’re all getting poured into something!” – Unknown
- I don’t always tell drinking puns, but when I do, I’m gin-erally tequila’d with laughter.” – Unknown
- “I’m not boozing, I’m just improving my cocktail balance.” – Unknown
- “I like my puns like I like my drinks: on the rocks!” – Unknown
Final Thoughts
We hope these funny drinking quotes made you smile. Laughter and good times with friends can be the best cure for a bad day.
Remember, while these jokes are fun, drink responsibly. No funny quote is worth risking your safety or health.
These funny alcohol quotes show that humor can be found in many situations. Even in our mistakes, there’s often a chance to laugh.
Whether you’re nursing a broken heart or celebrating good times, these quotes can add some cheer. They remind us not to take life too seriously.
Keep these witty words in your back pocket. They’re great ice breakers or perfect for lightening the mood.
So raise a glass (of water, if you prefer) to laughter and good company. After all, isn’t that what life’s all about? Cheers to finding humor in everyday moments!
Hi! I'm Jeff Campbell. I was a leader for Whole Foods Market for over 2 decades. I worked in 9 stores in 4 states, not counting the hundred-plus stores I've assisted in other ways. I was a Global All-Star, a Gold Pen Winner, and won Top-10 Store (company-wide) 3 times in addition to Best New Store (company-wide). Click Here to learn more about me. Click Here to learn more about my site. Editorial Policies.
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